The Second

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I guess there’s a rule out there somewhere in momland that makes it 100% OK to ask who, what, when, where, why aren’t you making a second baby after your first born turns the whopping age of one.

I’m guilty of it myself and now I’m somehow on the other side of it. I get it… it’s the “common” thing to do. Have a baby, wait a year and a half, try for another, so they will be the glorious two years a part. It’s how my sister and brother and myself are lined up and it’s how a majority of my friends children are all lined up. I mean… it is smart. Two years gives you a good break in between hobbies, cars, and college. It makes them close enough to possibly be friends but close enough to most likely hate each other. It also means that when the first turns 18, we know the last is right around the corner. Hashtag, hello retirement! So yes, two years a part does make complete sense to me and it does sound nice.

But I’m going to be full on honest with you here. Having another baby in the near future makes me want to curl up in a ball, vomit, cry until it turns into a scream, and lock myself in the dryer so no one will ever find me. I AM PETRIFIED of having another baby. The breastfeeding, the newborn poop, the hurting, swollen, ohmygodwhathappened vajayjay. The no-sleep, all-nighters, mommy brain the first 3-12 months. I have ZERO interest in participating in any of the activities above. ZERO. NADA. NOPE. There is not one part of me that wants it again. I finally feel comfortable in my body again after being pregnant and nursing for 10 months. My skin is going back, the stretch marks are fading, and I’m considering jumping into an exercise routine. I just pursued a crazy idea of mine and I’m excited for its future. Maddie is growing, learning, and it’s so much fun to watch.

And this may sound crazy, but I love having one. She is my everything, my light, my heart. We are so close, and I never want that bond to go away. I know it eventually will but right now, when she’s little… I want that. And I want her to have all of my attention, all the time. I know moms with many will say that I would figure it out and things would fall into place, but my mind just can’t imagine it that way. I see stress… a lot of it. More diapers, more money, more crying, more dishes. If I wanted another then I’m sure I would not see it like that. Right now though, that’s where I’m at.

We are also very busy over here. C is always gone and I’m doing this motherhood thing mostly by myself. Don’t get me wrong, he helps out when he’s home but the other times… it’s all me. I get up with her, I put her to sleep, I take her to MDO, I cook, clean, yada yada yada and adding another kid in the mix….. would do more than just turn our world upside down. It would possibly, dare I say, send me over the edge.

I get it. Every child is a blessing. I’m in no way, shape or form saying that one isn’t. I am saying that our family is perfect the way it is right now. We don’t want another one next year, or the year after that. Do we want another one ANY year? We don’t know. It’s leaning more towards no at the moment and I have no problem saying that to anyone who asks where the second kiddo is. It doesn’t bother me that people ask, and I hope it doesn’t bother them when I give them an answer they probably weren’t expecting. If the stars align and everything seems ok, then maybe we’ll try. For now… that will not be happening.

Now if someone could tell me where my period is that would be grrrrreat……..

uh oh.

-Max